Why is the moment of deep listening so valuable in a relationship?

Sometimes, we feel that it is not productive to just listen, it is more productive to talk about solutions, what to do differently, or another way to approach the issue. And sometimes, that productive solution is to slow down, to just listen, to hear the emotions underneath.

That sounds counterintuitive, but it works. Hearing the emotions underneath is how we actually shift toward change.

When one feels like they are deeply listened to, it feels less lonely. It doesn’t feel like you have to keep your armor on and protect yourself. When we are in distress and feel alone, we want to explain, defend, withdraw, or urgently try to get the other person to understand. This creates tension. With being deeply listened to, the focus moves from two people with different ideas to two people who are on the same team. This creates the feeling of safety. When you actually deeply listen to someone, that action asks of you not to make your own response the center for the moment, and to give your full attention to the other person. And at that moment, we can see each other and establish that deep connection. And at that moment, only when we are a team, we find a way forward that works for all of us.

For some people, deep listening may be paraphrasing or summarizing what they heard. For others, deep listening may be a moment of silence in the room, the nod, the eye contact, the change in tone of voice, or a change in the body language.

Being deeply heard and seen moved an “argument” into a moment of connection, and it’s also created deep attunement and changed the relational space between two people.